Dear Kayde, You’re A Big Boy Now

Dear Kayde,

I’m a huge slacker.

A lot changes in a very short amount of time. But for some reason I never feel that I have anything significant to write.

You are now two years, two months, and twenty-two days old. Weird, and completely unintentional. You’re a genius, but we’ve known this since the day you were born. You go to sleep in your own bed now, in your own room, like a big boy. Most early mornings you come crawling back into my bed, which is okay with me. I’m proud of you for sleeping by yourself for most of the night. You brush your teeth before bed, grab your blankie, binky, and cup, and walk into your room. You’re never very happy about it, as you’re usually whining or crying. But you do it, and that is what’s important.

You still see Daddy the same amount of time, between six and eight days a month. And Daddy pays child support finally, after signing an agreement giving me sole physical custody of you. Now we’re just waiting for the date of our hearing to finalize our divorce.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to get a court order stating that I can take you out of state, so we can move to Austin in about a year. Daddy won’t agree to it, so I’m desperately hoping it will still work out. Otherwise we’re stuck here. I hate it here. And Craig isn’t here. And there are so many better opportunities for us in Austin. I wish Daddy would stop being selfish and think about what’s best for you. I would never keep you from him, you’d still see him just as much.

We’re still living with Bammy and Ampa. It definitely isn’t my favorite place to be, but I do appreciate the opportunity to live comfortably while also saving money for our future. I have a job interview tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll be working a “real” job soon, as well as continuing school in the Fall. I’m trying really hard to not let my anxieties control my life. And I’ll do anything to give you the life you deserve.

I love you so much, Chickaletta.

Dear Kayde, I’m Sorry I Don’t Write

Dear Kayde,

I haven’t written directly to you in nearly a year. I’m deeply sorry for that.

It’s been a busy year, so much has changed. You and I (mostly me) are in a transitional period in our lives. We moved out of Daddy’s condo and into Grammy’s house. Grammy got kicked out, which meant we got kicked out as well, after only two months. We had nowhere else to go but Auntie Kim and Uncle Pete’s dinky apartment. It didn’t go so well there.

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t absolutely horrible, but it was bad enough. I didn’t pay rent, which meant I was obligated to babysit whenever asked, as well as buy 90% of the groceries for everyone in the house (six people). That was the manageable part of the whole experience. Auntie Kim was a crabby lady, and her and Uncle Pete fought quite often. You and Charlotte also fought, but even more often. Charlotte is a biter and a hitter, so you experienced the brunt of that. This made for a crabby Kayde, which made for a sad and frustrated Mommy. We were both crabby and miserable. I was desperate to get us out of there.

After about five months of suffering, Grammy found a new boyfriend, Mike (Grampy). She was planning on moving in with him and invited us to go with her. That’s where we live currently. We have the entire finished basement, which provides more than enough room for us, as well as our own full bathroom. We’re both so much happier. You behave so well, now that you only see Charlotte three days a week.

So that’s a summary of our living situations for the past nine months.

A few other things have changed as well.

Mommy has been seeing this guy, Craig, for about six months now. You love him. Like, absolutely love him. He’s good to you, and he’s good to Mommy. But he’s supposed to be leaving on Tuesday. This was inevitable, as he lives in Texas. It was really just a matter of when. Mommy has mixed feelings about this. I’m sad, because I know I’ll miss him, and it’ll be strange going from sleeping in the same bed as him every night, to him not being there at all. But I feel this is an important thing, because for now we are at a stand still. Have been for the entirety of our unofficial relationship. This will determine what will really happen with us.

Also, Mommy is bored. I spend all my hours, Monday through Friday, with you. And that’s not a complaint, I love it. But as the weekends approach, I get sad and lonely, even with Craig around. I never see my friends anymore. I know I’m a mother, but I’m still young. When you’re at Daddy’s for two nights, I should be going out and enjoying myself. So that’s what I’m going to try to do once Craig leaves.

I think I deserve it. I mean, I take care of you almost entirely by myself, and I think I do a decent job. I also started school at MWCC in January, and I’m doing really well. My classes are online, because I still don’t drive (working on it) and have you all the time. But I’m motivated to get a degree in Graphic Design, so I’m really pushing myself. I’m also working on finding a part time job for when you’re at Daddy’s.

You’re going to be two very soon, in less than a month. Mommy is working extra hard on your Vintage Carnival Birthday party. I hand stitched bean bags for games. I’m currently working on making your invitations from scratch. I even taught myself how to use fondant, so I can make your cake. I get way too excited. I just really love planning things.

Now let’s talk about you.

You’re perfect. I mean, pretty much absolutely perfect. Okay, you’re a little whiny and up my butt at times. And you can also sense when I really need to accomplish things in the kitchen, so you insist on me picking you up. I’m pretty sure it’s intentional. But that’s okay. You’re cute, so I’ll suffer.

Your favorite toys are currently Go! Go! Smart Wheels/Animals and train tracks. I love this, but also hate it. The only reason that I sometimes hate it is that you decide I NEED to set every single piece up for you repeatedly. The point of toys is for YOU to play with them, so that I can accomplish other tasks. Of course, I play with you all the time. But you insist it needs to be EVERY time.

Your favorite shows (you just started really watching tv) are Dinosaur Train, Chuggington, and Paw Patrol. Makes sense. You love trains and your world revolves around puppies.

Your favorite foods are probably pizza and sushi. You loooove pizza. Weird, because I don’t. I am incredibly pleased and impressed that you love sushi. Your favorite seems to be anything with raw tuna. Good boy. (;

Hmm, what else? You’re in a big boy bed now. Of course, you only sleep in it for half of the night, until you crawl into bed with me. Don’t worry, I don’t mind. I’m just happy you go to sleep in your own bed, even if you need your puppy pillow, a blankie, binky, cup, and cabbage patch doll to do it. Whatever works.

You talk so well now. I mean, for an almost two year old with a lisp (which is the cutest). You say pretty much everything. You’ve been speaking for a while, but within the past few months have been constantly picking up new words. Within the past week, you started saying “love you”, which may be my favorite thing you say. You can also name most of your plastic toy animals, which I find pretty impressive. You’re a smart kid, and I’m incredibly thankful for that.

There’s more I have to tell you, but I think I’ll wait.

Love you, Bub.

It’s been a long time, shouldn’t have left you…

Yes, that is from an Aaliyah song. Don’t judge.

ANYWAY…

Apparently, I’ve been missing from my blog since about May. I apologize. Although I’m sure I was not very dearly missed. A lot has changed in just three/four months. Here’s a quick recap:

I left my husband. Yes, like the husband that I was once miserable over for leaving me. I left him.

I moved into my mother’s house.

I then moved into my friend’s apartment last Friday.

I have a new boyfriend. I know, I know. Too soon.

I also just signed up to become a distributor for It Works!

Now that I’m at my current residence, I have a laptop to use. So hopefully that will mean focusing on my blog a little more. The plan is to start doing reviews/spoilers/deals once again, and I also plan on getting into more detail about the recent happenings in the lives of myself and Kayde.

So stay tuned! Or don’t! (;

 

Dear Kayde, Happy Birthday

Dear Kayde,

Today is your birthday. (Well, technically yesterday, I’m a little late. You’ll understand why.) Ahem… today is your birthday. The plan was for you to wake up with a floor covered in balloons for you to play with, eat a big birthday breakfast of eggs, hash, and sausage, get a few last minute things for your party on Saturday, then go out to Friendly’s with me and Daddy for dinner and presents. That is not at all how your birthday went.

Today, you woke up after a long sleepless night to a floor covered in balloons, but you had no interest in them. You layed in my lap, coughing, wheezing, and struggling to breathe. No breakfast, you’d barely take a bottle to keep you hydrated.

Mommy and Daddy were concerned. We didn’t want to wait until your one year checkup tomorrow, so at about ten-thirty in the morning we were off to the hospital. I tried feeding you a food pouch during our three hour wait to be seen, but you threw it up in the waiting room. Finally, shortly before the time you were born, they took us in and checked you out, which made you even more miserable. You got x-rays, which was not a pleasant experience, and we were informed you have pneumonia. My poor sick birthday boy.

How ironic that at 1:37 pm a year ago we were in a hospital, with you lying on my chest, the first moment I met you. And exactly one year later, we were again in a hospital, with you lying on my chest, the sickest you’ve ever been.

Instead of a birthday dinner, I opened your gifts for you to play with for only minutes at a time between whining fits snd frequent naps. And now you lay here in my lap.

And I think about the past year, your first year, and how you’ve made it the best of my life. You are the reason for my existence. You gave me purpose. You have grown and changed so much in just a year. You are so sweet, cuddly, strong, and smart. You make me laugh more than anyone ever has. You make me proud daily, and I feel truly sorry for every person that isn’t lucky enough to call you their son. You are the very best part of me.

Your very first birthday was one of your worst days, but it was still the best first birthday I’ve ever been a part of.

Because it was yours.

I love you, Bubby. ♡

Dear Kayde, Introduction

From about the time I found out I was pregnant (twelve weeks and one day, actually), I would write to Kayde. Before I knew he was Kayde, before I even knew he was a boy. I have over a years worth of entries typed out in my little wordpad document. It started mostly about me talking to him about his growth and my pregnancy, a little about me and my husband. I always started with a pregnancy update, but as my life outside of my pregnancy became a train wreck, I used it as a way to vent. It brought me closer to Kayde. I always wrote to him to tell him how much he saved me, and I still believe that with everything in me. 

At twenty weeks pregnant, just four months after we got married, my husband left me. He said he wasn’t in love anymore. He said I was miserable (which I totally was). I wasn’t even miserable with him, I was just a miserable being. I loved being pregnant, but I hated everything else.

Anyway, he left me. We were living with my mom at the time and of course we worked at the same damn store (not how we met). He moved in with a friend of his that was only a senior in highschool. Was dead set on the idea that it couldn’t be fixed. We were done, but I had hope. Long story short, he cheated on me with some 18-year-old whore in highschool. Yes, whore. She was particularly known for being that. I was lucky enough to have him confess this to me, after being told by everyone else, immediately before my baby shower. We fixed things, or so I thought. Then he continued to cheat on me. Finally, he stopped about a week before Kayde was born, but he’d still talk to girls through facebook about not being sure about being with me.

It wasn’t until the day that Kayde was born, April 3rd 2013, that things started to look up. My husband, C, was the most loving, proud husband during labor and delivery. He became devoted to me. We sold his crappy old rundown house for a relatively small amount and found ourselves a cute little condo. Ever since the day Kayde was born, our relationship has grown stronger and stronger. 

This isn’t my way of making you hate my husband. He was young, immature, and had no real responsibilities until Kayde was physically here. He also had a rough upbringing. Of course, this was no excuse for his actions, and I made sure he knew that.

Well, now that I’m completely off topic… I wrote to Kayde at least once a week while I was pregnant, and then as often as possible once he was born. And because of all of the happenings listed above, I honestly didn’t want to be alive. But I had to be, for Kayde. And he gave me hope that even if things didn’t work out with C, they would still work out. 

Kayde saved me.

Now, just a few weeks from Kayde’s first birthday, we’re happier than ever. The whole situation made me realize I was taking so much for granted, and being miserable just makes everyone around you miserable. And I didn’t want that for my son.

My plan is to continue writing to Kayde through my blog. I may bore some with details about my life that are less than spectacular, but maybe it will inspire some.