Hey ladies and gents!
If you’ve kept up with my blog (which I’ll admit is severely lacking in content), then I would assume you’re aware of my body issues. After taking a shower last night, I felt I needed to post about it.
I spent the time between getting undressed and actually starting the shower examining every part of my body. Like literally EVERY part. I’m not sure if it’s in hopes that I’ll have this epiphany and suddenly believe that I’m this beautiful being, or just to remind myself of how disgusting I truly am. The latter is the result of this examination, every time.
But while doing this, I was thinking how sad it is that I’m so ashamed of myself. I have very little control over my natural appearance. It’s sad to think that so many people hide so many aspects of themselves from the world, when they didn’t choose these things.
I hide so much of my body, because I hate the way it looks. I’m embarrassed of the tiny, purple spider veins sprawling across my thighs. I hate the cellulite I see covering my body from the waist down. I hate the little spots all over my calves that never seem to disappear. I hate my round face and the double chin I catch a glimpse of in every reflection. I hate how my face is so unsymmetrical that my eyelashes make one eye appear much smaller, only one eyebrow is capable of having an arch, and half of my smile is almost scary looking. I hide half my face behind my hair, and almost never wear anything exposing my legs. I blame myself. I must be too out of shape, or too fat, or too lazy. Something. Anything to blame myself.
I have some control over my weight and the amount of fat stored on my body, so I can take blame for that. And believe me, I do. But I didn’t get to decide what my face looks like, or how curvy I am, or how many freckles I was going to have splattered across the entirety of my body. And that isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to me, or to anyone else, to be ashamed of these things.
The saddest part of all is that I’m still going to be ashamed. And so is every person advocating “body positivity”, whether they choose to admit it or not. Because as humans, we’re conditioned to feel this way. It sucks. And it’s maddening. But it’s life, and we have to figure out how to deal with it in the least self-harming way.
I am the worst advocate of this. I’m completely aware of all of these things, yet I still blame and hate myself for all of it. It’s irrational. I just hope that some day things regress as far as image goes. Go back to judging people based on their intelligence, what they can accomplish, and who they are as a person. I don’t want Kayde growing up in a society that will shame him for being flawed. Because everyone is flawed. Beautifully flawed.